I don't want realism, I want magic!

picking up where I left off

2011-10-16T15:47:00.000-07:00

I am back where I was last summer. But this time, I am going to fix myself for good.

things I need to stop doing (after I get over this damned depression)

obsessing over the past, future
pay attention to immediate needs
do not wait for other's approval
fulfill commitments to people
don't lie
don't make preemptive promises that I can't keep
if someone wants to be in your life, they'll make an effort to be apart of it
never stop being who you are
but don't be afraid to change for the better
don't be ashamed of yourself: no regrets--live every day like it's your last
follow your instincts, intuition
don't be emotionally needy, fuck it all
be practical and take care of practical needs
no more feigned ignorance
no more doubt

Magical Secrets About Thinking Creatively

2010-08-29T17:02:00.000-07:00

my instructor for costume design listed this book on our syllabus.

earlier this weekend I felt scared and depressed and (to be honest) a bit lifeless but then I came home and reread this quote:

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

--The Velveteen Rabbit

NUDE MODELS

2010-08-09T15:21:00.001-07:00

...in class today. I am so excited.

sorry for post drought lately. I've been juggling school projects, weekend retreats, birthdays, career planning, discussions (escalating to fights) with my parents, and a flood of emotions ranging from peaceful confidence to turbulent self-doubt.

will return after I've sorted things out and figured out how to be both myself and a good Asian kid.

in the meantime, please enjoy these amazing bits of photography.

hiatus

2010-08-02T02:43:00.000-07:00

while I am

studying for the DMV written test
working on my final project for ART 12
getting ready for fall semester
trying to come up with better ideas

meanwhile, scrutinize this music video with me. I am in love with the art direction.

idea block

2010-08-01T20:12:00.000-07:00

graphite

and I'll lie awake and miss you
pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

I'm obsessively opposed to the typical

2010-07-31T11:50:00.000-07:00

charcoal pencil

a sketch to help me visualize my final project for ART 12 (three more weeks of this fabulous summer and then back to my real life). the assignment is a 'life-size self-portrait.' I'm not sure yet about the composition because I don't know if we need to draw our entire bodies or if we're allowed to crop stuff out (I'm not too keen on drawing my feet and stuff).

I chose a photo of myself dressed up on Halloween freshman year as a flapper (or a younger Cruella Deville). Flappers are kind of my thing. Ya know.

layering

2010-07-30T17:55:00.000-07:00

charcoal pencil

(see original here)

all sorts of charcoal

(see original here)

my GSI last semester taught us that a good drawing has many layers, and gets better and better after several iterations. it just recently clicked in my head that the same principles of architectural drawings can be applied to art--if I can spend three days working on sections and plans, why shouldn't I give charcoal drawings a second look?

I think the first one became more successful after building up a repertoire of marks. I'm not that into the second, which I think is starting to look a little Tim Burton (but not in a good way) which I think has to do with getting initial proportions correctly.

baby you've got to be more discerning

2010-07-29T12:09:00.000-07:00

willow charcoal

(really lame lighting for this photo. it looks like a fruit roll-up)

in the last twenty minutes of class, my drawing teacher will sometimes sit for us and let us draw her however we like. this isn't a really complete sketch but I like the composition, with the positioning of her and the doll's head.

folies bergere

2010-07-28T01:28:00.000-07:00

all sorts of charcoal

long haul

2010-07-27T13:12:00.000-07:00

Hi Jessie-

Truthfully, students applying for the MFA program have an extensive background in design technology. It is less a reflection of their grades, more a reflection on their experience in the theater. The vast majority have completed bachelors programs in similar disciplines. It would not be impossible for you to apply to the MFA with a Bachelors degree in Architecture, but I would suggest that you start to focus your architecture studies on architecture of the stage. Otherwise you won’t have a sufficient portfolio to show when you apply to our program. You will also want to start to explore ALL professional (or student-professional) design technology opportunities.

I think it is worthwhile to consider working a few years to build up your skill level and resume. It largely depends on the amount of experience you’re able to achieve in your next few years at Berkeley.

I hope this helps to answer your questions.

Best regards,

[EDIT: Sam asked me what I meant when I posted this (I guess it was a little cryptic of me not to leave a comment)

I don't know really what it means. I wasn't too freaked when I read it, which I think is a really good sign. I think it only strengthens my resolve to focus on getting theater experience, and be strong enough to put Architecture on the back burner (as hard as that will be to do) in favor of the Theater and Performance Studies minor.]

given the green light

2010-07-27T01:23:00.000-07:00

watercolor markers

(across the street from S.F. Dancewear)

(from Yerba Buena Gardens)

I did these the summer before college, when I would cut work sometimes to sit downtown San Francisco with my sketchbook and knitting needles.

will try and upload something recent soon! like, TOMORROW.

I'm thinking ambitious

I've got this feeling things will be alright

fitz and dizzyspells

2010-07-26T14:14:00.000-07:00

all sorts of charcoal

I have a fear of noses. I won't say who this is because I don't think it looks very much like her.

production designer

2010-07-26T02:52:00.000-07:00

by Phil Breman, about.com

Job Description:
The production designer is responsible for the overall look of a project. They direct the art department and set builders to turn their imagination into reality. Production design can be a crucial element to any major creative project as the visual elements often help bring the story to life. The production designer works closely with the director and producer to determine what they're hoping for with regard to the look of a film or television show. They draw up sketches or build conceptual models based on these conversations and upon receiving approval, they hire the crew necessary to make it a reality.

Skills & Education:
You should have basic design skills. Many of the most successful production designers have degrees in architecture or environmental design. These are by no means requirements for the job, but they help to give you a basic framework from which to start. Theatrical set design is another excellent background for this position.

Production designers need to be top notch communicators as well. They must be able to visually conceive something and then be able to accurately explain it to those who must physically build it. People skills are an absolute must for a production designer.

Career Advice:
The best way to get started in a career as a production designer is to begin by working for one. You will get an accurate view of what the job entails as well as top notch training that will help you advance your career. Consider starting as a production assistant in an art department to get the ground floor experience you need. As you progress, you may want to take a job working on commercials, student films or even music videos to get yourself prepared to take on much larger projects.

...well, fuck.

return

2010-07-26T02:41:00.000-07:00

moving my art blog back here, because the url 'hate-spinnerbait' feels too unpleasant (I think its the hyphen).

secrets

2010-07-25T18:38:00.000-07:00

(I'm on such a OneRepublic kick these days.)

I am learning how to be without a plan.

charcoal pencil

(I think I draw all noses the same.)

just don't let me disappear

2010-07-24T06:45:00.000-07:00

belated post because I am not in Berkeley this weekend and without my camera (plus I got locked out of my apartment because I forgot my keys). I do have some extra drawings to post though.

I found this girl on tumblr and have been sort of obsessed with drawing her for awhile. I'm not very good at drawing people though, so every iteration I do seems to turn out pretty different. (both are rather inaccurate... I'll post the original when I've drawn one that gets all the proportions of her face.)

watercolor markers

(this is a drawing I did during winter break while prepping for an oil painting--which has yet to be finished)

willow charcoal + charcoal pencil

I'm applying to get into this Visual Studies class in the fall (can you believe they make you apply to take upper division classes in CED?) about the relationship between audio and visual media ('Music and Place') and a portion of the application asks for a drawing of what we think the class will be like (like a pre-homework assignment... hooray). I don't know what I'm going to attempt but I hope the class will be something like Fantasia. or The Soloist. that movie has made me obsessed with cello music (and thus this song.)

one

2010-07-22T20:26:00.000-07:00

since I dropped ARCH 100A, I've had a lot of time on my hands. sometimes when my fellow (ex-)studiomates pull all-nighters, I find myself coerced into staying up with them in exchange for a supply of still-life models.

This is my friend Kris. When I drew this, Kris told me he was pulling his third all-nighter that week. I felt bad for him, until I realized that he was actually playing Warcraft on his laptop. but anyway. he sat very still. Thank you, Kris.

willow charcoal

(funny tidbit about Kris--his eyebrows are uneven in length from a weird accident he got into as a kid. but I drew them the same because he asked me to.)

blank slate

2010-07-04T14:28:00.000-07:00

some stuff that has taken me about 3 years to realize:

it really doesn't matter what other people think of you.
there's no point in doing the things you think you have to do. nobody is going to call you out on not following the rules.
people matter more than [fake] buildings
people matter more than diagrams and rhino models.
stop hiding the best parts of yourself from other people.
there's no point playing games. be honest about who you are.
no matter what happens, you are alive.
you will never be safe. get over it.

summer, it's gone

2010-06-21T00:20:00.000-07:00

We finally got internet at the apartment! and I finally set up my desktop and the wireless usb (that we had to buy ourselves, damn you Costco)!

right now I am punching holes into spare chip board with the tip of my compass in order to make a home for my earrings.

it is slow work. but my obsessive-compulsive tendencies will not let me cease.

things I have left to do:

sew up the underskirt of the skirt I want to wear tomorrow (seriously I don't understand how it could be longer than the actual skirt portion. obviously, this was a freebie)
hem pants (2)
download and install AutoCAD, Rhinoceros, and Adobe CS4 Suite on this computer
clean out two more drawers
take out trash

I'm afraid to go to sleep without having done everything on this list, because tomorrow I shall walk back into Wurster and I have a feeling that an eight-week session of ARCH 100A is probably the equivalent of studio on steroids.

but maybe

2010-06-18T03:30:00.000-07:00

the problem isn't Architecture but myself, my attitude, and how deeply serious I take everything. maybe if I could just pull away from it and view it in perspective of who I am and who I want to be and what I want to take from this experience (not what my parents, my GSIs, or reviewers expect from me)

it could just be a pleasant (albeit difficult) experience.

improbable

2010-06-18T03:11:00.000-07:00

I had a moment of weakness, in which my gut shriveled up in fear and dread of returning to the life I lived sophomore year, in which every muscle in my back ached in remembrance of endless days and coffee inhalations and my mind pounded with frustration of going back and finishing a major that is not/may not/might not be directly related to my dream career.

I am sick of being in a relationship with studio. I am sick of the stress, the paranoia, the fear, the not trusting not trusting anything but your work ethic convincing yourself alone alone alone alone squished in between weary people throughout the night.

I want this time to be different. I want to breathe, I want to sleep. and still I want to do more than ever.

I need to see a guidance counselor. Or maybe a shrink.

declaring myself awesome

2010-06-10T18:37:00.000-07:00

I have decided after a recent cryfest on the phone with Joce that it's okay to have regrets, it's okay to be frustrated but it's not okay to stop moving forward and lie in bed listening to HP and playing Facebook Tetris Friends all day.

So. My new motto is carry-on-keep-moving-work-your-ass-off-and-have-a-ridiculous-and-uncalled-for-amount-of-faith-in-your-story.

I'd also like to present my newest hero, Irina Shabayeva, of Project Runway fame, who said:

“I think in many ways, a lot of people who come here with a dream, they kind of get lost because it becomes so tough. So it’s okay to dream, as long as you push it, and work on it, and don’t give up.”

cue cheesy lifetime recap.

goals for the remainder of this summer:

kick ass in ARCH 100A
scrap a PASS in NUTRI SCI 10
complete five paintings (portraits)
learn how to use a sewing machine
build a small but significant savings off my pocket change

blahblahblhabarhg

2010-06-08T19:21:00.000-07:00

I started playing piano again. As a result, I am typing this entry more rapidly than I would have before. Also I have been equipped with a strange mixture of determination and longing for high school.

Correction: a mixture of determination and longing for the ability to go back to the girl I was and do things over again.

I feel like the people around me have moved on and I've been sort of left behind. Where am I? All of my friends have summer jobs, or summer internships. They have legitimate money-making majors. That they like.

I wish I could travel back in time and yell at myself to PAY ATTENTION. Hello Ms. Wang, stop obsessing about clothes and boys and TV shows and your fear of failure and just PAY ATTENTION to what you want.

I wish I could go back and listen properly in AP Music Theory. And work harder in dance class. And make more art. Make infinitely more art. I wish I could go back and become more extraordinary than the person I am now.

College is becoming such a waste of my life. I wish I had gone to art school. I wish I had been good enough to go to art school. I hate hate hate hate being mediocre.

Summer school starts in two weeks. Being continually overworked and underslept should shut up these feelings of doubt and regret.

everytime

2010-05-28T01:55:00.001-07:00

school lets out and I am left studio-less, I find myself back home with my box of paints and my HP audiobooks, mixing and scraping and thinking about working on a movie set.

I think I know who I am after all.

why do I keep forcing myself into this shell of who I think I should be? why can't I accept that there might be something real behind the things I love?

move along

2010-05-24T23:35:00.001-07:00

sometimes I come to realize how much I've changed because of this year, and all the things I like about it and all the things I don't.

bullet-form

2010-04-27T08:59:00.001-07:00

one leaf shall return after my final review.

it is very cold in studio. I am wearing my most comfortable pre-finals stress-out sweatshirt (the black one that goes just a couple inches above my knees) and have just eaten a turkey sandwich and a bunch of crackers but it is still very cold
I don't want to go to class today. I want to stay inside and work work work work work and hopefully wake up soon enough from this state of mental inertia
yesterday night I stayed over at Joce's
the moment I walked into the kitchen (Ching opened the door for me) and she looked at me and asked, "are you okay?" I started crying
forreals.
because I am okay but it's been so long since someone has asked me in that way.
and now I realize that I just miss my mother and I miss being pampered because I'm too busy to let go of my schedule to pamper myself
and it's been so long since I've been really really hugged by someone (and I miss it)
and yet I bristle when someone tries to touch me because I'm afraid of falling apart and not being able to get up and keep going going going we're so close there are only 8 days left
I am glad the semester is ending because I really need to catch up on my life.

everything shall be illuminated

2010-04-17T09:23:00.001-07:00

I hope.

confession--I am perpetually being set backward by my fear of doing things that I'm not good at.

this past year of college has been difficult but strangely amazing at the same time. the only thing that bothers me is that I keep losing and finding myself every other week, and continually changing my mind. it's really easy to get pulled along a path that is so magnetic (like architecture).

this Wednesday I got a good review, but it didn't make me feel better. I wonder why it is that I get more excited about my diagrams of ballerinas and sketches of floppy nun hats than I do the plans and sections of a house I designed myself.

I guess I was upset that I didn't cover all the bases (in the review). Like I didn't see the potential of the voids created that Keith brought up, and I didn't even remember about setting the house on an array, or think of poche-ing the site information in the long section.

I feel like I have yet to really see things the way our instructors do, and to me that ability to see indicates a curiosity and excitement that apparently I still lack...

still?

are my limitations due to mere inexperience, stress, and lack of sleep or are they the result of a buried disinterest/longing for something else?

I'm learning so much, and I love it. but it's taking so much out of me. this past week has been truly awful.

I guess I just want to make sure that I can still have what I really want. I'm not certain what that is yet, but I want to do something more than just what I'm capable of. I want to make sure that what I'm doing in five years is what I'm really interested in, and not what I've fallen into or found myself good at.

I guess I will just have to be brave and step up. it seems like in my time at Cal there will be many more weeks like this one to come.

Dubliners

2010-03-30T15:11:00.000-07:00

it may have taken me about 6 years to properly learn this, but I'm realizing that there is a huge disparity between what you CAN do and what you CHOOSE to do.